This article was originally published on GeekyBase
Any parent will tell you that once you have a child, nothing else in the world will seem as precious and wonderful as your kid. In a world that's becoming more and more obsessed with outward appearance and virtual identities, though, parents sometimes aggrandize their children to fit an ideal. There are extreme cases where parents will invent stories about their children wholesale, making up impossible stories about them. These are the most extreme examples of parents lying about their kids online.
Apparently Her Womb Had Great Reception
We're the last people to make fun of someone who was in a bad relationship. Many of us have been there. What many of us haven't done, though, is trawl for sympathy on the internet by claiming our three-year-old is, like, an Avenger.
So not only was this toddler capable of hearing her mom crying while in her WOMB, she was also able to situationally pick up on the fact it was because of her own father. Oh, and she speaks in complete, coherent sentences too. Pretty bright kid, for having 50% of the genetics of someone we're clearly supposed to hate.
In A Class Of His Own
Studies show that 6%-7% of school-age children in the U.S. are homeschooled, and the trend seems to be on an upward tick. We're not here pick sides, and say that traditional schooling OR home schooling are better. It's just that SOME schooling is probably a good idea.
Well, at least if you're going to have your kid be "unschooled," don't brag on the internet that he graduated high school at age four. You know, because you have no problem revealing 30 minutes later that he never had any schooling to begin with.
'Mother, I Require Worldly Experiences to Thrive'
First off, we'd venture to say that without warm feet, that kid wouldn't be doing much sightseeing around the world before he caught pneumonia and croaked. Hey, don't get mad at us for being so macabre - it's not like a single part of that supposed exchange happened anyway.
Sure, your two-year-old rejected socks in favor of a passport, so they could "experience the world." The only thing two-year-olds are interested in experiencing is ice cream, so you can just clam it with that nonsense. Honestly, take your kid's socks and give them a passport, just do it away from us.
Grandma Caught Lying
The only thing more intense than a mother's love is probably a grandmother's love. Grandmothers love to spoil their grandkids and see them grow up, but apparently there's one thing this grandmother likes even more - to fib on the internet.
This post shows an uncle calling out his own mother for inventing an entire conversation with his nephew. It does seem a lot more plausible that a three-year-old would quote the Power Rangers rather than preach the word of God. Also, not believing in Santa at age three? Man, that's a depressing childhood.
Flat Out Lies
Everyone's entitled to their own opinions, as strange and unfounded as they would like. While there isn't anything wrong with advocating your beliefs, there is something a bit tasteless about using a picture of your kid to do it.
The caption this woman added to an image of her daughter speaks of how the toddler was upset by the blatant propaganda the store was taking part in by selling round globes. That kid is a year old, maybe a year and a half. There's a bigger chance of the Earth actually being flat than of her saying that verbatim.
Those Are Indeed the Only Two Adult Concerns
Well, this six-year-old sure has a handle on life, doesn't she? In her book, to survive you need to do two things - bake, and buy furniture. Unfortunately, furniture is expensive - though we do wonder how she knows that - and she can only "make cereal."
Listen here, kid - you might be precocious and wise beyond your years, but pouring Lucky Charms and milk into a bowl doesn't constitute "making" anything. And while you're at it, tell your mom to stop lying about you on social media. Thanks a bunch.
He Also Invented Ice Cream That Afternoon
Most parents enjoy sharing funny stories of their kids finding out about mundane things while growing up. Some parents, though, want their children to seem more developed or smarter than they actually are.
In this post, we see a parent describing their six-year-old as being so forward-thinking that they found physical money outdated, basically coming up with the concept of cryptocurrency. The comment below highlights how absurd that is. Look, we're fully grown adults and we don't understand crypto. What are the chances a first-grader would?!
Yeah, Preschool Is Exhausting
They're not even trying at this point, are they? Just look at that handwriting, and try and claim with a straight face that that's a five-year-old's penmanship. Go on, we dare you. That's clearly an adult's writing, maybe with their offhand to try and throw us off the scent.
And that's not even unpacking the concept of trying to allege that a preschooler uses phrases like "have a moment." It's such a Gen-Z thing to say, and isn't it just also peak Gen-Z to think that EVERYONE talks like that too?
No One Thinks Like That At 7
Some kids show signs of resourceful and creative thinking from a very young age. Finding inventive solutions and outside-the-box thinking can be expected from children, but understanding the ins and outs of commercial apps sounds like a stretch.
This guy claimed his son had come up with an idea for a mind growth app that he needs to write down for his father's company. Not only that, but the prodigious child also thought about his target demo and found it an obvious matter. We're actually beginning to doubt whether the Audi they allegedly sat in was even real.
She Might've Finished Sooner if She Didn't Spend Time Writing Notes to Herself
Maybe we should just recap this, to make sure we got it right. So an eight-year-old found her mom's thesis on genomics, and instead of saying, "Ew, I'm going to watch SpongeBob," she read the whole thing. Then, she "spontaneously" wrote her mom this highly detailed congratulatory note.
Yeah, no, we're not buying it. Writing "suprized" was a nice touch, but somehow we find it hard to believe that someone who can't spell "surprised" has no trouble with "genome sequence." A for effort on the hand-drawn smileys, though.
Who's 'They'? Just Blow This Thing Wide Open, Kid
There are many complaints regarding the modern educational system. With an outdated structure and a very rigid system, children's education is a subject discussed often by parents. While it might be expected of a child to sometimes complain about school, it's hard to believe a child pondering the very philosophical essence of it.
This lady shared an alleged quote from a conversation with her son. The child claimed, supposedly, that some nebulous "they" were "doing it wrong" by separating things into categories. The only childlike thing in that conversation is the usage of the word "mushier," honestly.
Just Like a 5-Year-Old to Share Commentary About the Duality of Man
This lady really should've quit while she was ahead. We maybe, MAYBE could've swallowed a five-year-old even knowing what the tragedy and comedy masks are, let alone wanting a face painting of them. On a good day, we may have been open to believing that.
But this is the internet, and anything worth doing is worth overdoing, so she added his "Everything is a tragedy" observation. Look, we take that first thing back. Do five-year-olds even know what the actual concept of tragedy is? And even more confusingly, why would she lie about it happening? If she thinks it makes her seem more interesting, it doesn't.
We'd Co-Sign, so Long as YOU'RE Not the Vice President
Sure, yeah, one of the biggest things on most first graders' minds is how many hours of sleep a night college students get. This young woman kind of played herself, honestly. As if believing the whole conversation happened in the first place wasn't a challenge enough, she had to go and put a numerical value on how many hours a six-year-old thinks college students sleep.
We'll try to be gentle - a six-year-old neither knows nor cares about college students. If they did, they'd probably tell them to cut back on the partying so they'd get more sleep.
Well, There's a First Time for Everything
Children have a special connection with animals, as they get excited at every chance to interact with them. While kids are very compassionate towards animals, they don't tend to be active in social and environmental causes at such a young age.
Not this person's four-year-old son, though. Apparently, he asked when the whales in Sea World "go home." Upon finding out they stay in their aquarium, he swore to stay and protest until all animals were freed, even vowing to never leave Florida until that happens. And that, ladies and gents, was the first time anyone under the age of 65 said they'd never leave Florida.
What Does That Even Mean?
We get it - all these posts are mere vehicles for parents to virtue signal how much better they themselves are, both at raising children and at being human beings in general. What we don't get is what this post's trying to say. So this person's youngest child was in line at the school cafeteria.
When she saw another boy accepting French toast sticks but rejecting sausages, she called him a "communist." Besides how randomly rude that is, what does the rejection of sausages have to do with communism? Or, y'know, anything. And can they make up their minds about her being in kindergarten or school?
Master Chef At 2
Children sometimes do surprising and hilarious things, trying to mimic the adults around them, but come on. This is really stretching it. This mom wrote that her two-year-old son not only could speak full sentences - containing nothing but praise for her, naturally - but also make eggs, French toast, and waffles.
Look, let's just be honest here - this photo is super staged. We can almost hear her shouting instructions at the poor guy. Which, y'know, fine. Whatever. It's just that she could've at least had him handling something that wasn't a scalding hot frying pan.
That Doesn't Sound as Awesome as You Seem to Think It Does
"My work here is done"? We sort of understand parents who brag about their kids saying exceptionally smart or incisive things. Sort of. What we don't get is how anyone would think a kid saying something so objectively awful is something that reflects well on the parent who taught her that.
Yes, the dad is a grown man who can, presumably, cook his own food. But there are about 3,500 reasons why they'd pick up dinner for him regardless. Geez Louise, if you're grooming your child to be the next Cruella De Vil, at least have the decency not to brag about it online.
Art Never Lies, But Parents Do
Parents often brag about how creative and artistic their kids are. It's pretty natural, but you CAN go overboard if you're not careful. In this tweet, we have a parent not only praising her 11-year-old's paintings, claiming she made them on canvas and sold them online, but also her artistic spirit.
Not only does this prodigy paint works worth buying, but she also refuses to get more money for them than she believes they're worth - in the name of art! What we're wondering is how on Earth you value a fifth-grader's sketches? Can we get someone from Pawn Stars on this?
Love Has No Gender, But It Might Have An Age
There is nothing quite as precious as young love. People love celebrating love of all ages and all types, but sometimes people just want to sound progressive and borrow someone else's joy for their purpose.
The post in question shows someone gushing over their brother's reveal that he has a girlfriend. Good for him, but we still find it hard to imagine a nine-year-old being so committed to gender neutrality, or indeed even aware of it, that he would have to clarify it isn't due to her gender.
When You Know, You Know
There are instances where children might surprise us with their innate wisdom and unique perception. While kids might surprise us with their insight, We're pretty sure kids under three can't handle French philosophy. We mean, four? Sure. But not three.
The poster in question brought up two very questionable stories regarding her kid. Not only does this three-year-old read the works of French author and philosopher Marcel Proust, but he's also into mindfulness. Show us a three-year-old whose eyes don't shine when presented with a screen and we might consider their ability to read the most verbose author in history.
Those Trilingual Toddlers
Parents try their best to equip their children with all the tools and skills needed to have whatever life they would chose. From practical skills to languages, many skills could be developed from a young age. Yet, it would be quite a feat to be able to speak three languages before taking a single step.
This mother was searching for impressive language learning programs for her trilingual toddlers. Honestly, if she hadn't specified their ages, we might've bought it. Maybe kids in their teens can speak three languages, but toddlers can barely speak ONE.
That's One Economically Aware Toddler
Everyone loves to be seen and appreciated by their family members. Parents do so much for their children, taking care of their needs and wants while managing a household. While a child might show some gratitude, it would be strange if they showed this much, this specifically.
The post shows a toddler in the kitchen, most likely playing around, but the caption's the real kicker. This mother describes her child not only as thoughtful, but also aware of very specific requirements like water and electric bills, rent, and even car insurance! You want more money? Send that kid out to get a job. Sounds like he's ready.
We Bet That's Not Her Husband's Favorite, Though
You know what? We're feeling generous today, so let's just say this happened. Let's even put aside the husband's perspective, and how obnoxious it must be to have your snot-nosed brat critiquing your conference calls like he knows anything about anything.
So, he tells the hubby to say "Don't get me wrong" instead of "Let me be clear"? Those two aren't interchangeable, and wording things negatively rather positively is a mistake, psychology-wise. So it's not even good advice! Man, we wish so bad this one isn't true, because we'd hate to loathe a child we've never even met.
That Kid's Sole Stage Direction Was 'Exit, Pursued by a Bear'
We can actually believe that the story above actually happened. After all, they just say "kids" were involved, and that can mean anything up to and including 18 years old. We wouldn't have even bothered with it, if it wasn't for the person commenting on the post in the bottom there.
Now, THAT story couldn't be faker if it ended with the bear showing up and applauding. First, they humble-brag that they'd give their life for the sister, but then that sister is apparently in the throes of an existential crisis, so she wouldn't mind being mauled by a bear. Y'know? Five-year-old things.
Hey, Our Parents Divorce Over a Mistresspiece
Much of modern discourse revolves around how language itself can contain certain gender prejudices that need to be corrected. While these matters are important for us as a society, we find it hard to believe it's a great matter of discussion for eight-year-olds.
In this post, we can see an allegedly proud mother describing how her daughter questioned the term "masterpiece". The idea to change it to "mistresspiece" suggests the child not only had the notion that "master" was masculine, but also knew "mistress" wasn't only a derogatory term. Pretty advanced for the kid.
Little Kid, Big Spender
Teaching a child to be responsible with money is an important life lesson. Still, while some would be excited by their children putting money aside, this dad has more-- lofty expectations from his children. In a post, he shared his kid's supposedly responsible approach, not using his birthday money for video games but rather investing in stocks.
Not only that, but apparently the kid's rather versed in current affairs and isn't afraid of a little risk for better dividend yield. Thank the Lord not a word of that is true. We'd hate to think finance bros now start as early as ten.
An Early Understanding Of Capitalism
Children often get into ridiculous arguments regarding their favorite movies, shows, or video games. While these discussions sometimes get quite serious, they usually don't broach subjects like human ambition and the importance of capitalism for progress.
This guy quotes his sons in an alleged discussion regarding Star Wars, where his ten-year-old claimed it was made simply with money in mind. The younger of the two, a seven-year-old, corrects his brother with regards to that being a negative claim. Well, look at lil' Gordon Gekko Jr. over here. Someone got into dad's Wall Street BluRay.
The Patriarchy Would've Gotten Away With It, Too, If It Wasn't for That Meddling Kid
Children tend to be inquisitive and ask questions that older people might already accept as trivial. Discussing the positions of buttons sounds like something four-year-olds would notice - well, them and Jerry Seinfeld. But still, would they notice the oppression of the patriarchy?
This mom wrote about a conversation she allegedly heard between her four-year-old girl and her husband. The girl asked her dad why was it that boys' clothes never have buttons on the back as girls' clothes do. When her father couldn't come up with an answer, she naturally assumed it was the patriarchy's fault. We're not necessarily saying that's wrong - just that she never said that.
We Could Not Be Less Surprised That's His Name
We know our premise here is parents lying about their kids being geniuses, but this was too good to pass up. We actually think this parent was telling the truth about their kid here, unless it's some elaborate long-con form of satire.
Because if that dreadlocked kid is really called Rainbow Wolf, we can just about picture him being into crystals and junk. They say everyone eventually becomes their parents, but ol' Ra-Wo, as we've decided to call him, apparently got a head start. Is it even possible for a six-year-old to smell like patchouli oil and parental disappointment?
This Played Out Like an '80s Teen Comedy
Hey, hypothetical son who's never ever said this! "Maybe you should wash your mouth out since you apparently don't wash your body" doesn't really work as an insult. Not on adults, anyway, but kids are just gonna hit you back with "I am rubber, you are glue," so that's gonna be a wash in any case.
Also, is it just us, or is the whole thing merely an excuse for the woman to humble-brag about her backside? Thankfully, good people still exist in this world, like the genius who commented below. She had us going there, until those last seven words.
She Was Probably as Disappointed With Season 8 as the Rest of Us Were
We know that every child develops at a pace that's uniquely their own, and some kids are precocious and wise beyond their years. That's all well and good, but-- Come on, man. Letting your six-year-old watch all of Game of Thrones? Seriously?
We'll spend every night praying this one isn't true, because if it is - someone needs to call Child Protective Services. Even if you're not hysterical about your kid seeing an odd unclothed body part, that show is one of the goriest ever on TV. It's not "great," it's borderline child abuse.
But Can She Spell F-A-L-S-E?
In modern times, when people approach parenthood, they usually do their best to look up the best methods to maintain their future children's development. There are many different theories, but what most of them share is how adamant the parents who utilize them feel regarding those theories.
This dad wrote tweeted that he and his wife never use "baby talk" when speaking to their toddlers. That's actually solid advice, but then he claimed that it allowed his three-year-old to be completely conversant and his one-year-old to use four-syllable words. Since "juice" is just one syllable, we're gonna have to call shenanigans on that one.
Someone Sure Has Some Problems
Toddlers are completely reliant on their parents. Being too little to take care of anything by themselves, parents are well aware that they have quite a task ahead of them when deciding to raise a child. This lady recounted an alleged conversation she had with her three-year-old.
She claimed her kid had broken one of their toys and asked her to fix it. Allegedly, she told them off, saying she had her own problems. The child then sassily said that their problems were also her problems, but can we just focus on what a pretty awful parent she's making herself out to be?
Person Up And Say The Truth
The matter of gender equality and its many struggles have become more and more prominent in our time, with many people fighting to correct injustices and inequalities in all forms. Some people try and raise awareness of these disparities using social media - some even go as far as using their children to do so.
This lady wrote that she and her six-year-old allegedly had a conversation regarding the problematic phrase "man up" in our politically correct era. Much like the commenter below, we are also skeptical that six-year-old would suggest "person up" as an alternative, to say the least.
The Quote Machine Has Spoken
Children can be surprising sometimes, saying unexpected things that socially-aware adults would never say in a hundred years. Heck, they built an entire show around that premise! While one or two instances might be credible, it's strange to see a toddler that comes up with punchlines like a well-oiled machine.
Henpecked Hal here would like us to believe his three-year-old told him that he'd only have to listen to the old man for the rest of his father's life. As Hal himself proclaims, the boy's a "quote machine" - and he left another link for further perusal. Well, we guess it's not the worst way to monetize your kids.